I am not what I should be.
On Sunday, October 11, 2007 I will turn 30 years old. The thought of leaving my 20s behind and still having so many shortcomings in my life makes me a bit depressed. I would have thought that, by this time in my life, I would have been more – more organized, more physically fit, more spiritually strong, a better communicator, more confident, more of a leader — more of about a hundred different things that I am not, but should be.
This MG2 Project is intended to be a catalyst in improving myself — sort of like a New Year’s resolution that begins in May. I have five months until I turn 30, and I want who I am now and who I will be on that day to be different. I want to see an improved version of me in these three areas:
SOUL ~ Spiritual Discipline I have never been consistent at doing devotions or praying. I believe in them wholeheartedly, but haven’t done a good job at developing spiritual discipline in my own daily life. On some level, being around church all my life has made me somewhat immune to the excitement that others get when they read the Bible, or pray to a loving God. These things have been my life from infancy — and Satan has exploited that familiarity to his advantage by making me almost ambivalent in these areas.
BODY ~ Physical Discipline I’m not merely out of shape, I’m in poor shape. I always find excuses for not working out or for not eating right, and those excuses have only led to me being what I am now. In addition to the typical list of symptoms I get to deal with from being in poor shape, I believe that my current inability to produce children is directly related to my physical health. That both saddens me and enrages me. Things need to change.
MIND ~ Mental Discipline This may be the hardest thing for me to change because I feel like my brain simply does not work the way I need it to in order to be a great leader. I am a very slow information, idea, and thought processor. This makes my ability to work quickly and communicate clearly (especially verbally) a very difficult thing. I communicate well in writing because I am able to think about what I want to write, write it, and then go back and refine my message before anyone ever reads it. I cannot do that with everyday personal interactions and it frustrates me to no end.
The same goes with my work. I have a very difficult time producing quality work under a crunch or with little information or guidance. I rely a bit to much on time buffers. I need to learn how to retrain my mind to be sharper, more visionary, and prepared to produce immediate and high quality results when I’m called upon to do so.
Well, that was an overview of the MG2 Project. You may wonder why I put something like this on my blog. Two reasons – accountability and encouragement. If I make this public, I am more likely to stick with it because I know that other people are hip to what I am trying to accomplish (and what I am trying to avoid). When they see me eating at Barro’s, they’ll be able to remind me that I have fitness goals that I am sacrificing for two [great] slices of pizza. Also, I hope that people will encourage me along the way to keep at it (especially in relation to my spiritual discipline).
The MG2 Project begins today.
Well, Heidi and I are back from our get-away-from-it-all trip to Greer, AZ. We had a great time relaxing, eating out, relaxing, watching movies, relaxing, horseback riding, and relaxing.
We stayed at an awesome bed & breakfast called The Red Setter Inn. Here are some photos of the place we stayed. If you ever need to spend some time in the middle of nowhere, this is the place to be.
The Red Setter Lodge
The view from right outside the door to our private deck.
Heidi relaxing on the rocking chair.
The Little Colorado River – just steps from our room.
Heidi and I are going away for a long weekend together.
We are headed to the small town of Greer in the White Mountains in northeastern Arizona. We have never been there, but by all accounts it is a very remote and beautiful area. One of the key amenities at the place where staying is that our room has no phone and no television. Talk about getting away from it all! We can’t wait.
We plan on doing a lot of sleeping in, reading, and coffee-drinking. We may even throw in some hiking and/or horseback riding. I’m sure I’ll do a little bit of blogging while I’m up there because writing is a creative and relaxing outlet for me. Hopefully I’ll get some good pictures to post.
Disclaimer: The title of this post is not intended to be a gripe about my job or my life in general. Its actually a line from one of my favorite movies, “What About Bob”.
Here are a few more of my favorite lines:
“Mmmmm Faye? Is this corn hand-shucked?”“Check it out, I’m in really bad shape. I’m doing the work. I’m baby-steppin. I’m not a slacker!”
“There are really only three names: Dr. Albert Schwitzer, Mother Theresa of Calcutta, probably, and Leo Marvin.”
“I get it! If I don’t untie myself inside — the emotional knots, I’m going to explode!”
Not sure why I went off on a “What About Bob” tangent there. Sorry about that. Well, we’re off to Lake Winnipesaukee. We’ll send you a postcard.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Is all sin equally bad in God’s eyes?
I know that God cannot abide sin no matter how small, but is it reasonable to think that he looks at all sin in the same light? Many people read the verse above and would say that he would see them as equal.
Personally, I have a hard time believing that God would not distinguish between levels of sin. Again, I understand that all sin separates us from God, but is it reasonable to think that God looks at the sin of a child molester as equal to that of someone who deals with selfish pride? Does God’s heart grieve equally when he sees a brutal murder and a guy cheating on his taxes?
I think the verse above is not intended to insinuate that physical adultery and lust are one and the same. I believe that Jesus is simply trying to get us to think about the origins of sin’s footholds. We don’t commit sins by random chance. Sin first plants its roots in our hearts and then grows itself into full-blown active sin.
A person isn’t dedicated to a church one day and then cursing the pastor and leaving in a huff the next — bitterness has to steep in that heart for a while before the sin takes action. A man doesn’t just have an affair all of a sudden — he allows his mind to wander in forbidden fantasies for a while before the sin takes action. It seems to me that all sin is committed only after first being committed in the heart.
Perhaps Jesus was merely trying to give us insight into the origin of our sins rather than to say that both are 100% equal in God’s eyes. If we are able to stifle the “sins of the heart” before they become “sins of the flesh”, I think that we are making steps toward the holiness that Christ calls us to.
More thoughts on this topic to come…
To Whom it May Concern,
Please excuse Michael Gray from blogging for a short time. Like the rest of us, he is pouring himself into his work and is tapping himself of as much creativity and energy as he can for the time being. While he yearns to write another post, he yearns even more for sleep. We hope to have him back in the blogosphere sometime after Easter.
Sincerely,
Many times have I said a prayer that included the phrase, “…God, I pray for your will do be done in this situation…”. I think we get this phrase from reading Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night he was captured to be crucified. You know the phrase — “Yet, not as I will, but as you will.”
That phrase is very important in prayer, but I don’t think it was intended to stand on its own. Jesus first prayed that God would completely remove the need for him to be crucified. He was specific in his request. He made it clear that he did not want to go to the cross. Only after doing that did he commit to following God’s will, regardless of the outcome.
In my prayers, I tend to make suggestions to God rather than straight-up asking him to intervene in my life. I like to start everything thing with, “If its your will…”. When you stop to think about it, it seems so impersonal — like I’m asking a stranger for a favor. If God is our Father, we should approach him like a child would his father.
I am learning that I need to be more bold, more specific for what I pray for. I need to go in believing that God will hear my prayers and that he will answer them. I think that always praying “whatever your will” has been a cop-out for me so that I can avoid being direct.
So my prayer for right now is this:
“God, you know that Heidi and I have been trying to have a baby for the past two years. You have given us the desire to raise children and you have let that fire burn in our hearts for some time now. God, we ask specifically that you bless us with conceiving a child this month. We have always prayed that you would send us a child in your time and we are asking that the month of March be your time. Yet, not as we will, but as you will.”
Your added prayers for this situation would be greatly appreciated.
I would say that I’m not an angry guy.
Anger is not one of my vices — I’m generally easy-going and moderately patient with people. I don’t curse at swervy drivers, or call people mean names, or get into (too many) street fights. I’m what you might call an even-tempered guy.
Except on the basketball court. I can get so angry when I play basketball.
I don’t get angry when Gumm doesn’t feed me the ball in the post, or when Derrick keeps air-balling his 3s, or when Darius intentionally chooses not to be on my team. I get angry only at myself.
When I make stupid mistakes on the court, I become so frustrated. Today I air-balled an easy jump shot, followed my shot, and punched the ball clear up to the rafters (catching your own air-ball is called travelling, so that’s why I didn’t try to save it). Sometimes I will swoop in for a layup, brick it off the backboard, and then yell out, “COME ON GRAY, YOU STINK!” And I’m really mad at myself.
Now, if I am going up for a tough shot and I miss, I have no problem with that. If someone shot-fakes me and dribbles around, I tell them, “good job”. Its the stupid mistakes that get me so fired up. Its not that I’m terribly competitive because truly competitive people compete in everything (“Dude, I bet I can eat a two-scoop ice cream cone faster than you”) and I get annoyed at that sort of person.
So I’m going to lay down on the blogger psychoanalyst couch and let you shrink me. If I only get angry with myself for doing stupid things, does that make me an angry person? Do I have a problem? I’m paying by the hour, so be honest.
Most of my blogs deal with the lighter side of life because I enjoy writing about things that are fun. On occasion, however, I will blog about something more serious — which is the case with today’s post. I’m going to forgo the typical “I don’t speak for my church, my friends, my family, or my loud neighbor next door” routine because I think that anyone with half a brain understands that this blog is mine and that I am speaking only for myself. If you have half a brain or less, please stop reading now.
I have a very hard time understanding certain aspects of the gay community. While I do have personal convictions on homosexuality, this post is not being written from any spiritual, scriptural, or otherwise religious basis; this is just me trying to understand what an average gay person thinks/feels/wants when in a relationship — and I’m stumped about one thing in particular:
Why would a gay woman be attracted to a masculine woman, and why would a gay man be attracted to a feminine man? The whole concept of being gay is that you are not attracted to the opposite sex, is it not? Why, then, is it common to see gay couples paired in such opposite-sex ways?*** Is the lack of attraction specific only to the anatomy of the opposite sex?
When I say that I am attracted to my wife, I am not only speaking of her body [further commentary on my wife's body withheld], but also about her nature as a woman. I am terribly attracted to her feminine qualities because those characteristics are so…female. I can only assume that the same holds true in my wife’s attraction for me (in fact, I can tell you for certain that she isn’t hanging around just so that she can “get with this”) . She is attracted to the non-physical qualities that make me a man. Pure attraction, by nature, requires both a physical and emotional connection doesn’t it?
To boil my confusion down to one statement, I would say that I find it hard to understand how gay people can have a physical attraction to the “bodily qualities” of the same sex, but an emotional attraction to the “nature qualities” of the opposite sex. This is something that I have been unable to understand for quite some time now.
Comments to this post are appreciated as long as they are respectful.
***Many people might say that I am being stereotypical or generalizing gays with this statement. To that I answer: you are 100% correct. The fact that I am generalizing only indicates that I am able to make statements based on what is commonly observed, and it doesn’t mean that I am saying that all gay couples are this way. I do, however, believe that it is a valid statement about the majority of gay couples.
Dreams are very interesting occurrences aren’t they? While your body is prostrate in restful slumber, your mind is throwing a neighborhood block party. Its almost as if the brain gets bored with rest before the body does. Like a child without adult supervision, the mind gets into all the cupboards of the brain and makes a mess. Dreams are ADHD of the mind.
The thing I like best about dreams is the fact that there are no rules governing the dream world. Things that are impossible or ridiculous in real life are completely run-of-the-mill in dreams. If, in real life, I saw a pink moose singing Sinatra songs in the toilet paper aisle at Safeway, I would go immediately to the psychiatrist and get some help. But in dreams, there is always a perfectly reasonable answer for that moose being there, and an equally valid reason why a moose would be singing Sinatra rather than Marvin Gaye. I love that.
In dreams, it is perfectly normal to wear clown shoes to your ex-girlfriend’s wedding. In fact, the mother of the bride would undoubtedly compliment you on your style and then lament the fact that her daughter ever let you slip out of her hands.
Here are some of my most vivid weird-but-not-weird dreams:
A family of large, flying Weebles cheering me on as I complete a Noah’s Ark jigsaw puzzle at my dinner table in Portales, New Mexico. The only problem was that they only clapped when I put the wrong piece in the wrong place. Weebles are jerks.
My favorite Humpty Dumpty stuffed toy taking me by one arm and one leg, spinning me around wildly, and throwing me through the glass window in my bedroom. He was paying me back for not being more gentle with him, I guess.
Me riding on the back of a flying, fire-breathing dragon and turning to lock lips with the princess hanging on behind me. She was your stereotypical princess – pink gown, tall, pointy pink hat, blonde hair. Beautiful.
Stopping by someone’s house and playing with their litter of Cockercats — half house cat, half Cocker Spaniel — and thinking that they were, by far, the cutest pets alive.
Those are a few of the ones I remember off the top of my head.
Ok, homework time.
Since you read this blog, I want you to add to it by posting one of your most vivid dreams that had unusual elements that weren’t unusual in the actual dream. Everyone loves a good dream. Let’s hear yours…
